Line Progression

Its no secret that I am addicted to pregnancy tests. When it is the only thing to keep the mind at ease when waiting for that first doctor’s appointment, you do what you gotta do. I’ve been testing almost daily – I did run out for a couple days and bought more – and my lines look good. I am getting to the point where they won’t get any darker, especially on the cheap tests. I have miscarried early at 4w5d twice and I am hopeful that if I can make it past that, I’ll be on the right track. That day is tomorrow. I am on progesterone and I wasn’t with the MCs so I hope that I won’t have any problems. I think that Wednesday – 4w6d – will be my last daily test. I think I’ll have a box on hand to sporadically take just to check that its not going down. I know that daily is a little excessive as it doubles every 48 hours, but if this is my last pregnancy, then why not.

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This is what loss does to you. I know that in my first post, I had said that I wasn’t worried this time, but that part has definitely set in now. I am beginning to realize just how long I have to wait before I’ll see the doctor, and see the baby for the first time, and know that everything is OK. I’m scared that I’m taking progesterone to prevent my period from coming, only to find out that there is no baby. I’m scared that we are now a month behind in TTC because my period was supposed to come, and I didn’t know. I’m worried about ectopic pregnancy and losing my fertility because we hadn’t caught it sooner. I wish anything that the pregnancy clinic would do an ultrasound on me at this age, but they’ll claim that there’s nothing to see yet. I don’t even care if we can’t hear a heartbeat, I just want to see that everything is ok.

I’m going to make my appointment today, but typically they don’t schedule you until you’re 8 weeks. I have gotten in at 6 with Ivan’s pregnancy, only because he had just put me on progesterone and he himself wanted to check on the pregnancy. Best case scenario, I can get in in the next two weeks, worst case, it will be mid February. With Amalia’s pregnancy, I went to the pregnancy clinic and lied about my LMP – I told them I was irregular and was unsure of how far I was. They ended up doing an ultrasound at 6ish weeks because of that. We didn’t get to hear her heartbeat, but it was visibly beating on the screen.

I’m already ready to get past the first trimester, and I hate that. Especially since this will be our last baby. I want to enjoy it, I want it to last. But I also need peace of mind. None of the obvious signs start to happen until the second trimester – the belly, the kicking, the heartbeat on my doppler.

This turned into a really deep, downer post, but I am glad that I am putting my emotions down. Hopefully someone out there will feel less alone in their worry. There’s nothing to do but wait, but maybe waiting in solidarity is a little bit better.

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