Javier and I have done a lot of discussion on this topic. Its not always easy to decide if you want to grow your family. While I was pregnant with Amalia, I was sure that I didn’t want any more. And in those first few weeks with her, I felt that even more. She is such a good baby, and a nice, happy ending to our family. I was excited for what the future held. I kind of liked the idea of not having to start over again and that the next chapter of life would start to unfold. We could take a vacation without having to bring a u-haul – I kid, but you do need a lot of things when you go on vacay with a baby. Sylas is starting school this year and he is signed up for soccer and would like to do Karate as well. Life is going to get busy and I was pretty excited about it. I just turned twenty-six and I felt that we would still have some “youth” left when the kids are grown. We became parents at a young age – which I love – but we missed out on being a couple. So we would like to be able to do that someday. We want to travel, sans kiddos, and be able to spend time together, just us. Life has been a whirlwind since we became parents. We work opposite schedules so that we don’t have to pay for daycare, which means that we meet at the door most days, one of us coming and the other going. We don’t eat dinner together often and rarely have a date night. Its hard to choose between all of us being together as a family or keeping that time to ourselves.
With all of that said though, I would like another child. Javier has said that he does too. We have always wanted four children. I am afraid of regretting not doing it once we are past our prime. You can never regret having a child, but you can certainly regret not having more. I would love to have a big, noisy household. There would certainly be lots of love. The idea of having one more pulls at my heart strings.
We have talked about the pros and cons a lot. The future is so unclear. You never know what lies ahead. What if one of us becomes ill, or that the next child is born with a disability or disease? Will we be able to handle that financially? It isn’t feasible for either of us to quit our job. What if we come upon a financial hardship? I know that you shouldn’t live your life because of the “what ifs” but its certainly something that we need to consider. We also have to think about our fertility. I am not really willing to put us through the pain of loss over and over again.
I think that I fluctuate from day to day, whether I want to try again. On those days when the momster comes out and the boys are misbehaving, or when Amalia is having a rough day, I am so done. I don’t want another child on those days. Then I’ll have those perfect days too. The ones where the boys play together all day and the baby takes nice, long naps so that I can get caught up around the house. I picture what it would be like to have another. How would our family dynamic change? I can’t help but notice how happy I feel when I think about a fourth child. It isn’t that I’m already in a good mood either, I really start to feel happier. I get excited when I look at our family picture on the wall and imagine what it would look like with six of us in there. We have time to think about it obviously, but its nice to know what the other person wants. I think that we will keep an open discussion about it for sure.