Worry Wart

I can’t help myself. I’m trying so hard to have faith that things are okay and that I don’t need to worry. But I do anyway. I’ll get little bursts here and there where all is right in the world and I am worry-free. Those bursts don’t last very long though before I get worried again. I am so nervous about waiting a full month for an appointment. I’m driving myself crazy because I am so scared of something happening. I know that I have infertility PTSD. It is a thing. All of my memories are haunting me and I’m so scared of losing the baby that I find it hard to think about anything else. I pray and it relaxes me some, but I am still living in this day to day fear that my baby has already passed and I won’t know until next month, because I’ve been there before. And then I think, surely God wouldn’t have worked this miraculous plan, to give us a baby when I was absolutely sure that we wouldn’t get one, just to let it die, right? He wouldn’t do that to me. Its a cycle that I go through. I just have these same thoughts go around in my head over and over again all day. Wednesday I was the most nauseous I had been since I found out. I thought that was a great sign. I had some “growing pains” that day too. Ever since Wednesday I haven’t had anything. I know that symptoms can come and go, but its making it worse for me. I think I am going to try getting an ultrasound appointment at the local free pregnancy clinic next week, hopefully. They are closed on Fridays, unfortunately, otherwise I’d call today. I am hoping that that will put my mind at ease and hold me over until my appointment. Please pray for me these coming weeks, that I can find some peace in all of this madness!

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