I’ve Got the Fever

Oh man, guys. I am really surprised that I’ve caught it this early. Two words. Baby fever. I can’t not think about babies. I am overcome with a giddy feeling of joy when I think about babies, see babies, smell babies and hold babies. Babies babies babies…… my pinterest is overflowing with them. I didn’t think I wanted to try until Ivan was one. But he will be 11 months old in two days and I’m not sure I can wait it out. I have my progesterone ready but I haven’t even done one cycle with it yet (but there’s still time this round to start). And to be honest, I don’t know how ready I am for a baby. I still have a baby. I mean, hes a bigger baby but still. He still acts like a baby, and is still having trouble with his clingy phase. I just don’t know how I will survive the morning sickness phase with a clingy child. It was miserable with an independent toddler (lets be honest, its miserable when you have no dependents either). But my heart is over the moon at everything baby and I can feel my ovaries explode every time I think about babies.

My dear friend had twins this past May and I have been so caught up in that that I haven’t had to think about me having another one. They just moved away last month and I haven’t seen them for a while save photos. So missing them has in turn made me miss it myself. On top of that, two co-workers are also pregnant and they just look so radiant. I may have felt sick and tired during pregnancy and maybe even uncomfortable at night, but I always felt the most beautiful and comfortable in my skin when I was pregnant (figuratively, of course. itchy bellies are no fun.). I also have two cousins that will be having babies later this year.

I am really wanting to just throw caution to the wind and let whatever happens happen, but I also fear the disappointment and heartache. I’m sure that I have a form of PTSD from that. It is holding me back a lot. I didn’t even want to go to the doctor like I had planned to get back on my medicines. So I have a full prescription that I didn’t take from last time and that’s it. Just thinking about that makes me want to turn tail and run. I still don’t know what to do but we will be trying in the near (or not so near) future.

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