Work tomorrow

Today was my last day of maternity leave. I have been dreading this day. I’m not gonna lie, I got a little emotional as I was getting the boys settled down for bedtime. It has gone by way too fast. Our infertility journey was soooo long and dreadful. All of a sudden I was pregnant and I deeply regret wishing it away. I know that I did that because I only wanted to know that my baby was safe and healthy. But looking back, I missed out on parts of it because I was worrying so much. And then he was born and I FINALLY had my baby in my arms safe and sound. And I planned on soaking him in for my entire 12 week leave. And I did. But it definitely didn’t feel long enough. In comparison to the whole year it took to conceive him, it seems unfair in a way. Being in such a deep emotional pain for a whole year only to get 12 weeks to have him all day long. I know that I have to go back to work. And I like my work. But I love my children. They are my whole world and I thank God that he chose me to raise them. It’s a bittersweet evening. I don’t want to go to sleep because it means it’s officially over. I’m sitting up in my bed cradling Ivan in the crook of my arm as I type this. I’ve been staring at his precious little face all night. I sat rocking the boys after their baths and talked to them. Told them that I am going to miss them so much tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Eventually it will all fade into normalcy and this phase will all be a part of the past. So tonight, I’m going to stay up late, even though I shouldn’t, so that I can cherish these last moments of maternity leave. I’ll be a little worse for wear in the morning, but babies don’t keep, and staring at his sleepy gorgeous face for another hour means more to me than looking rested tomorrow.   

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