My Achy Breaky Heart

Today is CD12 aka day 2 of “the fertile window.”  Three days ago, a friend of mine had her first baby. A beautiful 7lb 2 oz tiny baby boy. I was at work and saw that her blood work had come to my work station. I couldn’t say anything because of HIPAA but she eventually messaged me and told me they were in the hospital. So the next day she invited me to come meet the baby. I took Sylas with me after I got off work and changed out of my scrubs. I held him and rocked him as we talked about who he looked like, how her labor went, breast or bottle, how life was going and all that other small talk. Eventually the question came up. I knew it would. It always does. “When are you having another one?”I told her that we were working on it and left it at that. I went home dying to hold him and rock him and smell his sweet new baby smell some more. I sat around feeling sorry for myself; thinking about how much longer I would have to wait before I could have that again. Thinking about why this was happening now, when we planned for a baby but not when we were totally not expecting it to happen. Why I have such a deep desire to have another baby. A desire that I can’t push from my mind no matter how distracted I think I am. Yesterday my mom told me that a family friend (who is 39) is pregnant now after many years of being a childless woman. She’s the type that you wouldn’t imagine having kids. She never wanted any. And yet, on the verge of 40, she is pregnant. And here I sit at 23 unable to complete a seemingly simple task. I mean teenage girls can do it for crying out loud. It just baffles me that drug addicts and child abusers and alcoholics can pop out babies like bunnies and I can’t. It is one of the fundamental tasks that my body was created to do. I was given a womb so that I may someday bear children. I am losing patience. I don’t know what the point is for me to have to wait so long for a baby in the big scheme of things. I know that God has a plan but why is it taking so long? I hate going through these waves of emotions. One day I am hopeful and excited, the next, devastated followed by sadness and confusion. It is taxing on my mind. I pray for rest in my weariness but it only lasts days before I am back in my dark place again. I try to keep my chin up but I feel the weight of the evil in this world resting heavily on my heart. I pray to God that he relieve me of this pain and shout to the evil spirits casting hurtful thoughts into my mind to go away. I feel overwhelmed. Pray for me today. Pray for peace to come over my heart so that I can find rest in this struggle.

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