Back to Square One

November marks one year that we have been trying to grow our family. It has been a long year and at the same time, its hard to believe that its already been a year. You guys should be proud of me! I waited until AF day to test (and believe me, it was a hard wait). I took a test this morning (two actually) and they were both negative. So I had a beta done and it was zero. I am back in my BFN slump. I just want to go home, curl up on the couch and binge on chocolate. I am going to call my doctor today and ask for an appointment. Before starting the progesterone, I was getting pregnant every cycle; and although they all ended in chemical miscarriages, I was at least getting pregnant. The past two cycles that I have been on progesterone, I have not. There is no reason why this cycle shouldn’t have worked out. We did everything right. So I want to talk to my doctor about other options; maybe trying the suppository supplements instead and maybe waiting until I get a BFP to start taking them. If that doesn’t work, then something else is wrong. I just don’t think its a coincidence that the BFNs started when I began taking progesterone. I feel like it is somehow preventing fertilization or implantation or something in between the BD and AF.

If I wasn’t a mother already, I don’t think that this wait would be as hard for me. That’s not to say that it would be easy or that any of you out there in that position have it good. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I am in such a hurry to have a child because I have Sylas. Sylas was a bit of a surprise, and I am so glad that God put him in my life when he did; but had I not had him, I would probably not be TTC right now. I would probably be going back to school for my bachelors degree and looking into buying a house instead of renting. I would be selfishly living for ME. I would be in a very different place in life right now. But because I do have him, I want to give him the gift of a sibling. It kills me to see him so eager to play with kids at the park. When we go to Walmart, he stares in awe at the other little ones being carted around by their mommies. He wants so badly to play with them. We went out to eat a few days ago and there was a little boy sitting in the booth behind ours. He and Sylas chattered and played the whole time. It huts so bad to see that much joy come over him when he is with someone his age only to have to leave them behind when its time to go home. It hurts me when he cries as we leave. More than anything, I want to give him a forever playmate; someone who he can share with and talk to and, yes, even fight with until I can’t take it anymore and pull the old “Don’t make me come back there” routine. I grew up with a brother who was only 15 months younger than me. To this day, Stephen and I are very close. I can’t imagine not having him grow up with me. I also have another brother who is 6 years younger than me and our relationship is not the same. I love both of my brothers and we are all close, but I am just not as close with Ethan. The age gap is just too big for us to have similar interests. I often find his teenage ways annoying (I know, I was a teen once too). Stephen and I have so much more in common. I want that kind of relationship for Sylas. And month by month, that age gap just keeps getting bigger and bigger. We started with a 20 month gap and now he will be almost three if these next couple cycles work in our favor. Yes, I would like a baby to hold and snuggle and kiss till the sun goes down but If it weren’t for Sylas, I wouldn’t be ready for that right now. My timeline isn’t for me anymore. That’s what happens when you become a mom. Nothing belongs to you and you alone anymore. And I know that God has a much bigger plan laid ahead of me but I feel like His plan for me is affecting Sylas in ways that I hoped that it wouldn’t.

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