The next step

So I decided to test on Thursday because my symptoms were so strong. I didn’t want to miss a pregnancy if I had another chemical before I tested. Lo and behold, I got a BFP (a pretty good one at that). I tested in the afternoon after work so it wasn’t FMU and probably not as concentrated. So I tested with FMU on Friday to see how strong it was. It was practically negative. I was heartbroken. I decided to do a hold and try again in the afternoon. Maybe my FMU was too diluted? So I tested again around 3 and it was also negative. I felt my usual AF is coming symptoms that afternoon. I woke up this morning to some dark brown spotting (which is my normal when I start) and it has progressively gotten heavier, though not very heavy. I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’ve tried everything I can without intervention. So Monday morning, I am going to schedule an appointment with my OB and see about getting a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. Hopefully they can get me in soon because I want to see someone before this cycle’s O comes. I don’t think that God just doesn’t think we are ready for a baby otherwise He wouldn’t be letting me suffer through these chemical pregnancies. If He knew that now isn’t our time, I think that we just wouldn’t be getting pregnant in the first place. I don’t doubt Him, but I wonder why He doesn’t intervene sometimes. I am more angry now than I have been on this journey; not with anyone in particular, just the circumstances. I truly thought that this was the one. I thought that we would be well on our way to a baby right now. I don’t get how some people can pop babies out like bunnies and others have to wait and wait and wait for what seems like an eternity. I catch myself asking God every day, when is it my turn? watching the months go by while we sit here waiting. The hard part is when my friends and family keep telling me that its about time we had another one. Darn right it is! And believe you me, if there was anything that I could do to make it happen, I would’ve done it already. Watching Sylas grow up without a playmate hurts so much, especially when I know  how it felt to grow up with someone so close in age to myself and how special of a bond my brother and I have together. All I want is to give him that person that he will have for the rest of his life. Suddenly my dreams of having four children seem so distant that I sometimes think that maybe we can just have one more and be done. Stop going through this heartache and just have two. Because who’s to say that we won’t have multiple losses in-between all of our children. It seems so daunting that I don’t know if I can go through it that many times. Six pregnancies and one living child seems like the odds are definitely not in my favor. And I know that with God, all things are possible but its days like today that make me wonder if God really doesn’t intend to give us more children. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day but right now I just feel hopeless.

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2 thoughts on “The next step

  1. Oh girlie my heart aches for you (and me too..hehe)! I know God wants you to be a mother because He created our bodies to reproduce and fill the earth. He is not a respecter of persons (Romans 2:11) I was laying awake a few nights ago thinking about how infertility seems to be on the rise and I basically asked God why…and that’s when it hit me. First, infertility, miscarriages, sicknesses, illnesses, etc that cause it all is not from the Lord. He can’t do good and evil…He is only good. All of this heartache is a result of sin and the devil. The devil uses infertility against us women because it is working. It steals our joy…causes us to be angry with God…causes us to be angry in general…causes relationship issues…causes us to cry….be unhappy and a slew of other things. Basically, it is working for the devil so he keeps using this tactic. Keep hoping and believing in the Lord because the bible says that Hope in Him will not disappoint. He will deliver you as He has promised in His word. I think it is in Hebrews where it says all the promises of God are obtained through faith and patience. Keep trusting sugars because He is faithful and loves you. I am praying that you will no longer experience any health issues causing these chemical pregnancies and that WHEN (not if) you do get pregnant, it will be a healthy pregnancy with an awesome delivery. xoxo

    Three of my favorite verses right now are….

    “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. ~Hebrew 10:23

    “I will look on you with favor and make you fruitful and increase you numbers and I will keep my covenant with you. ~Leviticus 26:9

    “But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my savior, my God will hear me. MIcah 7:7

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for your awesome insight! Sometimes it just takes me a while to grieve the loss before I snap back to reality. It never stops hurting, even though its happened a few times. I will be better in a couple days. Just Thursday I was feeling bombarded by evil spirits taunting me and impressing doubt upon me. I prayed that God would give me strength to ignore them, and He did.

    Like

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