This week has been a lot tougher than I thought it would be. Sunday was Mother’s day and It was tough to get through. First off, I was stuck at work away from the person I needed to see the most, Sylas. To top it off, I was only able to see him for a few hours in the evening when I went to see my mom and give her a gift. I cried all the way home that evening after leaving him with my mom to stay the night. I felt so alone, even though I know that I wasn’t. When I got home, I forced myself to eat my last meal for the night before fasting for the surgery. It only made eating less enjoyable knowing that. I stayed up late because I couldn’t fall asleep from crying. Javier came home and ate his dinner. I then proceeded to cry myself to sleep while he was eating (I hate people seeing me cry).
Despite going to bed so late, I woke up before my alarm went off. I was hoping to just sleep the morning away so that I could avoid crying again. I wandered around the house and did some laundry waiting for ten o’clock. I wasn’t really sad, just numb.
When we got to the hospital and registered, we didn’t have to wait long. The nurse came to get us and let me get undressed and situated in bed. She did the whole questionnaire and started my IV. The anesthetist came in to talk to me about the procedure and gave me a sickness patch behind my ear to ward off vomiting (I always get sick after surgery). From there, it was just a bunch of waiting. The nurse came in and gave me some antibiotics and a small shot of Valium for my nerves. My doctor then came to meet me at noon as I was wheeled to the surgery department holding cell. She asked me some questions about bleeding and how I was doing emotionally. I wanted to punch her and say “How the hell do you think I’m doing?” but I knew she meant well, so I didn’t. I proceeded to get extremely nervous and felt like throwing up. I started to fight back tears knowing that the moment I was dreading was almost here. Another nurse gave me another shot of Valium (obviously the first one wasn’t working) and wheeled me into the OR. I was in a fog and the only thing I can remember was seeing the table with the stirrups and somehow winding up on the table staring up at the lights.
I woke up in recovery and had really blurry vision. The Valium must have made me a little loopy because I remember asking the nurse a bunch of random questions. Pretty soon I was wheeled into my original room where Javier was waiting for me. He said that the Doctor came to let him know everything went well around 12:30, so the surgery only lasted half an hour. It was about 1:30 when I got back to my room. They let me eat some nasty sugar free jello and some water. Then we waited some more until about 3 o’clock and I was sent home.
We went to the pharmacy to get my pain medicine, even though I felt really good and didn’t think I’d need it. I felt a sense of relief that it was over and that I no longer had to carry our baby around knowing that it lay there lifeless. I felt what I thought to be some closure. We then went to pick up Sylas and returned home. I was still a little groggy so I took a good two hour nap and felt better.
Tuesday, I felt excellent. The hospital called to check on me and I told them that I felt really good. I didn’t even have to use my pain meds. We didn’t do much that day but I felt like I could go back to work (I didn’t want to but I could have). Wednesday, I woke up with a very sore neck and dry froggy throat. I wasn’t too worried until I noticed that I had some blurry vision with things up close. So I called the hospital and eventually got a call from my doctor’s nurse who told me not to drive and that if it persisted, to go to the ER. I took some ibuprofen for my neck and hoped that it would pass. I didn’t feel as well emotionally that day. I wasn’t crying or anything, just kind of that same numb feeling. Eventually I broke down and cried myself to sleep that night.
Thursday was a bad day. I cried when I woke up. I cried after Javier went to work. I cried several times while he was at work. We went to the store while he was on his break and got some groceries. Then when he was getting ready to go back to work, I found myself fighting back more tears. He came to hug me good-bye and saw that I wasn’t ok. He asked me what was wrong and I snapped at him “What do you think?” I don’t think he realized just how much I was still hurting. He hadn’t seen me cry since last week, so he just assumed I had dealt with it. He gave me a huge hug and let me sob on his shoulder for a few minutes. It felt really good to just let it out, I think it is what I’ve needed this whole time. He texted me several times from work to check on me. I still cried a few times after he left but I didn’t feel so alone.
Friday I took the day off as well and I’m so glad I did. I felt a lot better and didn’t cry all day. Javier grilled for us and we had a nice afternoon. It was a little chilly outside but Sylas and I went outside and played a while anyway. I needed to get out.
Today I woke up feeling ok. I didn’t want to come to work today, but I needed to. I had to keep myself from crying on the way to work. I didn’t want to come in with a blotchy red face. Even now, I feel like its going to be another downer kind of day. It just hasn’t been my day, things aren’t working the way they should at work and its just adding to my already overworked mind. Hopefully tomorrow looks better for me. I’m glad I only have a three day work week. I can’t wait to get Monday over with. I have my follow up at 9 and plan on asking her a lot of questions and giving her some information I’ve found on MTHFR so that she can see why I think I need to be on some anticoagulants next time. I hope and pray that she will see it my way. If not, I have found a reproductive endocrinologist that is about two hours from here that I will schedule a consultation with to get a second opinion. I feel so hopeless right now. I pray that God will answer my prayers and point me in the direction that I need to go. I will update on how my appointment goes and let you know what our plan is. ttyl